Dear Readers: please take these horoscopes in the very lighthearted and not-at-all-serious manner in which they were written. Have a blessed month, and make good choices! –J.U.H.
Look to the sky for inspiration. Stare at the sun until it drives you mad and turns you blind, and prepare take on the world with a whole new outlook. You alone will see what cannot be seen, know what cannot be known, and speak what cannot be spoken. Speaking of which, could you tell me how to fix my printer? It keeps saying there’s a paper jam, but I don’t see anything wrong. Thanks.
Spend ten consecutive hours listening to whale song in a dark room, and you’ll unleash untold mysteries within your soul. One hundred hours, and you’ll be able to breathe underwater. How far are you willing to go? You ask questions, but are you ready for the answers? As you travel down the rabbit hole, follow the white whale.
You have serious problems. If you don’t now, you certainly will by the end of the month, believe you me. Oh wow… September 8th is not going to be a good day for you. The 12th doesn’t look so great either, and don’t get me started on the 17th or the 22nd — you know what, all of September is going to be bad. You have seriously annoyed some stars: whole constellations, in fact. It might be better to give up now, lock yourself in your basement, and not come out until October. Really though, it’s impossible to escape the hand of fate. Hang in there, buddy.
Time travel is possible, but only for Cancers. If you are a Cancer, go outside and curl up in the fetal position at exactly 4:36 PM on September 29th, preferably under an old oak tree, or else on top of a bus shelter. Close your eyes and think really hard about your favorite animal. If you’re not a Cancer, hah! So long, suckers!
You are a unique and beautiful snowflake! Too bad it’s September. Better luck next time. In the meantime, you might want to look into being a unique and beautiful drop of water. I hear it’s more difficult than being a unique and beautiful snowflake, but there’s no harm in trying. Have you ever considered being a drop of dew on a dragonfly’s wing? That sounds nice.
This is the only month that matters. This is the month they decide. If you speak an even number of words this month, you go to Heaven, and if you speak an odd number of words you go to Hell. Start counting at midnight on September 1st. Remember, your fate is in your hands.
Feeling glum? Stand outside your house and scream as loudly as you can. Experiment, and see what sort of sounds work best for you. Which do you prefer, a banshee shriek or a mighty bellow? Shout, roar, yodel, howl, bark, cry, wail, holler, bleat, and yell. Keep doing it until either you feel better or the neighbors get you some help. It’s a win/win situation.
Congratulations! This month, all your hard work finally pays off. Celebrate by burning some bridges. Go ahead and tell your old boss he’s deformed, crooked, old and sere, ill-faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere; vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind; stigmatical in making, and worse in mind. You know you’ve always wanted to, and you deserve it! (Then go read some more Shakespeare, ya big nerd.)
Ughhh. Do you seriously want a horoscope right now? Are you sure? It’s not like I don’t have better things to be doing with my time. It’s not like I’m doing this for fun. But noooooo, you’re all like “tell me my future, Julia! Commune with the stars!” like you think this is so easy. I’m a real person, you know. I don’t just exist to tell you stuff. Come on, Sagittarius. Maybe it’s time to start thinking about other people for a change. This month, focus on gratitude, you jerk.
They tell you the moon stays above the Earth even when you cannot see it. They tell you the stars are outside your body. They tell you the stars are not alive. They tell you the sky will never know your name. They tell you there is such a thing as truth, and they own it. I tell you there are constellations living under your tongue, and every night the sky whispers love poems in your ears, and every morning you and the moon eat French toast and cuddle under the blankets. Arise, sheeple! You already are your own best self.
Are you feeling lucky? You should be! It’s your lucky month. I recommend you sell all your earthly possessions, buy a plane ticket to Vegas, and hit the casinos. Get ready for royal flushes and cards that add up to twenty-one, and don’t be surprised when the slot machines bow down before you to yield their bounty. If in doubt, put all your money on red. Bet the farm. What could go wrong? Godspeed, Aquarius!*
Have you ever heard of spontaneous human combustion? If you haven’t yet, you will soon! Though I suppose by then it will be too — you know what? I’m not even going to bother to finish writing this. It’s not like it matters now, anyway. I’m so sorry, gentle Pisces. I wish there was more I could have done. My condolences to your friends and family, and I know they’ll miss you a whole lot. On the bright side, your memorial service will be awesome.
All Cats (regardless of birthday)
Caffeine is addictive, and toxic to both your mind and your body. Cut out your morning coffee, and replace it by sniffing the fumes off a rotting kumquat for five minutes before you head to the office. It will give you the pep you need without all those harmful caffeine molecules. Trust me, you (and your coworkers) will thank me later. As far as catnip goes, just say meow! Unless you’re a cop. If you’re a cop, forget I said anything.
*By following the advice contained herein, you implicitly enter a legally binding contract that both releases the author from all liability, and entitles her to 20% of your winnings.